Rest in Peace, Tatay Juan <33
It's been maybe two weeks since I last visited Tatay Juan. I wish I had visited him again more often. Woulda, coulda, shoulda :/
I'll be honest. I wasn't that close with Tatay Juan. But he used to watch me with Nanay Belen when I was just a little baby, and it's like he helped shape who I am, even if I don't remember any of it. He was still a huge part of my life.
And now my parents are really starting to piss me off. So we were supposed to take a road trip tomorrow to Dover to go shopping. Well, obviously, with the news, plans have been canceled. Now they're laughing that I don't get to go shopping anymore. Really? Are you that effin' insensitive? Maybe it's their way of coping, but really? Shut the eff up, I don't want to hear it.
I do feel really sad about this... but I still feel like I'm either a coldhearted bitch or I'm just in shock and numb or something, because no tears have come yet. I've never really lost anyone close to me, so I'm not sure how I'd react or cope. But being an emotional person, I would've thought I'd've broken down by now or something. Maybe that'll come later?
I'll probably cry in bed tonight. That's where I tend to do most of my crying usually.
Change of plans? Seems like if we can't cancel the hotel reservations, we're still going to Dover tomorrow. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I mean, cool, I get to go shopping, have fun with my cousins and all... but I'd feel guilty. I mean, Tatay Juan JUST died. And we'd end up having to leave Matthew since it's through his daddy that we know Tatay Juan in the first place (Matthew's dad is Tatay Juan's blood nephew). If we still end up going tomorrow, everything will feel just off, I know it.
And I guess now I see how I'm coping. I'm very on edge and overall bitchy right now. I'm supposed to be helping my mommy do something for the credit card, but I'm just really on edge and snapping and starting to get pissed off for no real reason in general.
I think I'm all blogged out right now.
I was working on a song, earlier, so if I finish that up, I'll post that tonight. And I think tonight, I'd like to try and write Tatay Juan a song. Well, as much of a song I can write, which is just lyrics.
Lovelovelove,
Ange♥
RIP TATAY JUAN <333
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You, dear lady, are incredibly strong, ya know that? ;) It takes a lot to fight through despair. My grandpa died recently, and I also lost a relationship with a girl at the same time, so I was going through that same shit and muck as you. ;) Pullin' through is what defines how strong we are, and I know your strong enough to get outta this muck. :D
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