:(

Today, I came upon some saddening news.

My Tatay Juan is in terrible health. I knew he had a stoke at a young age, but I hadn't seen or heard from him in at least a year, and I had no idea that his condition was worsening. I found out today that he was put in a nursing home, and taken off pretty much all his medication. It doesn't really take a genius to figure out what's going on.

He isn't blood related to me at all, I don't think. He's my aunt's husband's father, I believe. But when Meg and I were young, he and his wife, Nanay Belen used to watch over us, and they've always had a piece of my heart almost as if they were my own grandparents.

Once I found out that he was doing pretty bad, JAMM decided that we wanted to visit him as soon as possible. So we did, only a few hours after hearing about it.

Just seeing him so tiny and frail in the bed made me tear up. Then again, I get emotional at every little thing, but still. When he saw the four of us, his face just lit up. He was so genuinely happy to see us, it almost broke my heart. Matt, who had visited him yesterday, told me that Tatay Juan still remembered me, when he didn't even remember Matt, who was his blood grandson. He smiled and laughed as he repeated our names, talking about how he remembered when we were so little, and how grown up we were now. (Actually, Tatay Juan mumbled while Nanay Belen translated). The entire time I fought back tears.

I've never had to deal with something like this with someone close to me before. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. I don't want to talk about it with people because I know I'll probably break down crying like I am now as I type this blog. I'm just not that great at sharing my emotions with people verbally.

I'm thinking about writing him a song. Or a poem. Whatever. I seem to do better in dealing with my emotions that way.

And at the same time harbouring this sadness over Tatay Juan, it gave me such respect for Nanay Belen. She's stayed by his bedside ever since he got transferred to the nursing home. The nurses have been super nice about letting her stay when she's technically not allowed. She just has such strength. I don't know how she does it, staying strong for Tatay Juan, for the entire family. She really is an inspiration.

I feel horrible for not keeping in better touch with Tatay Juan and Nanay Belen in the past few years. I feel horrible for not knowing about this until it's almost too late. JAMM is gonna visit him on Monday again though. Right after the FACADE thing, we're gonna go visit him. Matthew wants to bring his guitar and play one of Willie's songs since Tatay Juan says he misses watching Wowowee since there's no TFC in the nursing home haha And I just want to be there for him, even if I can't verbalize my emotions. I don't even know if he knows what's coming. And we plan to visit him as often as possible. Even if that means ditching on volunteer stuff. I think this is more important, don't you?

And I just needed to blog about this, get it off my chest before I go cry some more and fall asleep.

Love you, Tatay Juan. ♥