I want a gentleman that treats me like a queen.

I love that line. [Credit goes to Demi Lovato, from her song "Everything You're Not" from her new album, Here We Go Again.]

But while we're on that topic...

I have never had a (real) boyfriend. People who know me personally know what I'm talking about. A lot of the reason is because I'm uber shy, especially around guys. Especially especially around cute guys. But I think another part of the reason is because my expectations of a guy are quite high.

First off, I'm an uber romantic at heart. I watch all the romance chick flicks, read all Nicholas Sparks's novels. I want that happy ending. I want that perfect relationship.

Second off, I crush on celebrities. A lot. Really hard. Especially amazing guys like Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas, and the gentlemen of Honor Society, Michael Bruno, Alexander Noyes, Andrew Lee, and Jason Rosen. And I know it's unrealistic that I will EVER get with them, they set the standard of how a guy should be pretty high. Especially since they're celebs, and so far have not had any dirty laundry aired out in public. They are talented, good looking, kind, generous, funny, and COMPLETE gentlemen. Practically perfect.

This could be seen in a good, or bad way.

Good, because with my standards so high, I won't choose guys who are headed down the wrong path, who will hurt me in any way.

But bad, because with my expectations so high, I won't take risks. I won't live and experience and learn from those hurt from those risks. I may never find "the One."

So what do you think? Are having high expectations for relationships good or bad? Should I keep waiting for the perfect one? Or should I take a risk on someone who may or may not be the one?

Lovelovelove,
Ange♥

:(

Today, I came upon some saddening news.

My Tatay Juan is in terrible health. I knew he had a stoke at a young age, but I hadn't seen or heard from him in at least a year, and I had no idea that his condition was worsening. I found out today that he was put in a nursing home, and taken off pretty much all his medication. It doesn't really take a genius to figure out what's going on.

He isn't blood related to me at all, I don't think. He's my aunt's husband's father, I believe. But when Meg and I were young, he and his wife, Nanay Belen used to watch over us, and they've always had a piece of my heart almost as if they were my own grandparents.

Once I found out that he was doing pretty bad, JAMM decided that we wanted to visit him as soon as possible. So we did, only a few hours after hearing about it.

Just seeing him so tiny and frail in the bed made me tear up. Then again, I get emotional at every little thing, but still. When he saw the four of us, his face just lit up. He was so genuinely happy to see us, it almost broke my heart. Matt, who had visited him yesterday, told me that Tatay Juan still remembered me, when he didn't even remember Matt, who was his blood grandson. He smiled and laughed as he repeated our names, talking about how he remembered when we were so little, and how grown up we were now. (Actually, Tatay Juan mumbled while Nanay Belen translated). The entire time I fought back tears.

I've never had to deal with something like this with someone close to me before. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. I don't want to talk about it with people because I know I'll probably break down crying like I am now as I type this blog. I'm just not that great at sharing my emotions with people verbally.

I'm thinking about writing him a song. Or a poem. Whatever. I seem to do better in dealing with my emotions that way.

And at the same time harbouring this sadness over Tatay Juan, it gave me such respect for Nanay Belen. She's stayed by his bedside ever since he got transferred to the nursing home. The nurses have been super nice about letting her stay when she's technically not allowed. She just has such strength. I don't know how she does it, staying strong for Tatay Juan, for the entire family. She really is an inspiration.

I feel horrible for not keeping in better touch with Tatay Juan and Nanay Belen in the past few years. I feel horrible for not knowing about this until it's almost too late. JAMM is gonna visit him on Monday again though. Right after the FACADE thing, we're gonna go visit him. Matthew wants to bring his guitar and play one of Willie's songs since Tatay Juan says he misses watching Wowowee since there's no TFC in the nursing home haha And I just want to be there for him, even if I can't verbalize my emotions. I don't even know if he knows what's coming. And we plan to visit him as often as possible. Even if that means ditching on volunteer stuff. I think this is more important, don't you?

And I just needed to blog about this, get it off my chest before I go cry some more and fall asleep.

Love you, Tatay Juan. ♥

Yay!

So. I went in to school early this morning (on my day off from mentorship, ughh) so I could talk to Mr. Hailey (who's not even my guidance counselor) about getting my transcript for some insurance discount thingy and to ask about scholarships. Got my transcript and...

My GPA as of June 22, 2009 is *drumrollplease*.... 4.1851! Thank God for APs and weighted magnet classes :) I am also currently ranked 25 in a class of 566 students :) This makes me feel a bit better about all the college worries that had been running through my mind for a while.

Also, I went in to my old daycare/preschool place, The Academy of Early Learning, and I'm going to start volunteering there next week :) It's a fun and easy way to get volunteer hours and make references for letters of recommendation. And how hard could it be? I basically get to act like a 5 year old for a couple of hours a couple of times a week :)

AND I finally got my Honor Society merch in the mail!! My poster is already hanging on the wall :) And I'm so stoked to wear my glow in the dark See U in the Dark tshirt whenever possible hahaha

AND I got a mani-pedi and finally got my hair trimmed (bye-bye split ends!). I'm gonna grow it out, keep getting trims to prevent split ends, and when it's super long, I'm gonna cut it short and donate it to Locks of Love :)

So overall a pretty darn good day so far :)

Lovelovelove,
Ange♥

Eye Opener

I wrote a little ditty in about ten minutes. I was feeling down, and read Christa Black's blog. And this is the result. This is for you, Christa.

Eye Opener

The pain
The depression
It weighed you down
You had no control
Walked around with a frown

But now you're living the dream
Life full of love
Music and happiness
But your journey wasn't easy
Yet you still rose above

And you inspire me
You've opened my eyes
I am beautiful
There's no need to cry
I am loved
From the ashes I can rise

You give me hope
To start each day anew
And I write this for Christa Black
Thank you,
Thank you.

I'm quite aware it's kinda crappy. But I mean every single word.

In case you don't know who Christa Black is, she's an amazing musician, and an even more amazing woman. Through her painfully true and emotional story through blogging, she is such an inspiration to so many girls around the world.

So if you're reading this Christa, on behalf of us all, thank you.

FULL MOON CRAZYYYY

(This was written last night, around 1am. No internet service available til now. Continue reading...)

Honor Society is my new love. Just got back from the Jonas Brothers' World Tour concert and Honor Society's Full Moon Crazy show... and as much as I LOVE JB and their show, I have to give the night to Honor Society. They totally OWNED it. I didn't even know most of their songs, but I had an absolute BLAST!!! Their songs are all sooo good, either singable or danceable, and I am so stoked for their new album, Fashionably Late, which comes out September 15, 2009, and you should totally get it. ;) I am just sooo upset that I didn't get to meet Honor Society, or Greg Garbowsky, which I reallllyyyy wanted to do. Hopefully next time :)

I did get to meet Michael Bruno briefly before either concerts and got a picture with him. He is SUCH a gentleman, no duh! :) When we asked where we could purchase FMC tickets, he had the security guard guide us through the mob.

I really wish all of Honor Society the best of luck, and if they by chance read this, I just want to say thank you for the amazing night (that's what she said lol) and for the amazing music. I really hope to meet you someday and maybe even be friends :)

World Tour:
Crazyy fun!! I was sweating and tired by the time Honor Society finished performing, and they were the first act!! Jordin Sparks amazing as well. I haven't really heard a lot of her music, but she rocked it out! The Wonder Girls were good as well. Their song/dance, Nobody is quite catchy :)
And of course, the Jonas Brothers. Of course they totally rocked it out! I was on my feet the WHOLE time, singing and dancing around. It was awesome to just let loose and not care what others think cause they were doing it too!!

Full Moon Crazy:
God, this was just... EPIC. It was in a small synagogue place, small, and intimate, which was why I loved it so much. Whenever Mike sang, it felt as if he was singing straight to me. I loved it. Like i said before, i didn't know all the songs, but the whole place was just so high energy and the songs were so good that you couldn't help but dance along at least.
Near the end of the show, Nick, Joe, and Garbo (dreamysigh) were seen up near the balcony, and everyone started freaking out. As much as I love Nick, Joe, and Garbo (which is a lot, trust me) I felt it was a bit disrespectful of the fans... it was HONOR SOCIETY's show, and it was their time to shine.
And unfortunately, they got out quickly, so we didn't get a chance to meet them. :'(

I reallllyyy want to meet Honor Society and Garbo, so I for sure plan to go to their next concerts. I WILL meet them haha

(This now written today, the 14th)

So last night was totallyyyyy epic. Like, hands down probably THE best night of my life. My feet ached, my throat hurt, my hearing is still a bit iffy, but it was WORTH EVERY MINUTE OF IT. I stood and danced and jumped and screamed for five hours straight, and had the best time of my life.

Honor Society, Jonas Brothers, you have NO idea how much I want to thank you right now from the bottom of my heart for giving me such an unforgettable fun filled night.

Identity crisis

I believe I may be going through one :/

I don't know, I just feel so... lost? I'm not sure if that would be the right adjective.

I feel disconnected from my three cousins who are honestly like the brothers and sisters I never had. I just feel left out a lot. They have a lot of inside jokes I'm not in on, they do things without me. Being a part of that my whole life and suddenly feeling like I don't belong is just throwing me out of whack.

And when I think about my future, I get scared. I get worried about college. Because really? I don't have much that makes me stand out. I have no talents. I don't play any instruments. I don't play any sports. I'm not involved in the community.

I don't even know what my personality is.

I used to say that I was a caring person. Always there for people. Yet when my close friends break down, I have no clue what to do. I'm an awkward moose.

And my parents. God, I love my parents, and I know they love me, but sometimes I just don't feel... I don't know? Appreciated? All I ever hear from their mouths is criticism. I don't clean around the house, I'm lazy, I need to work out more and eat less.

I fell asleep on the car ride home, and tears started rolling down my face. When I got home, I looked in a mirror and realized that my mascara was running. My parents hadn't even noticed anything. Now I could be overreacting, maybe they didn't get a good look at my face.

I just feel so alone sometimes.

I don't know who I am.

And now I'm crying, typing on the computer.

Who am I?